In a press conference Aug. 2, President Trump announced his support for a new immigration system that would “favor applicants who speak English.”
And not a moment too soon.
It’s high time foreigners stop coming here with their funny accents, broken sentences, and inability to read the complete works of Marcel Proust, mucking things up for the rest of us.
Naysayers, of course, will note that — regardless of their English skills — immigrants are not stealing American jobs; they’re simply doing different ones. And that they commit crime at lower rates than native born Americans. And that Proust is French.
But, really, that’s all besides Trump’s point, which is that this is America. We speak English, and damn it, we speak English in America.
“But what,” the naysayers may continue naysaying, “about all the myriad diverse, essential contributions from non-native-English-speaking immigrants to our national economy, culture, and idea throughout history that have shaped and continue to shape our way of life?”
Don’t need ’em!
1. Who really needs to Google anything ever?
2. Or look anything up on Yahoo. Who needs web search these days?
3. The Pulitzer Prize? Named after a German-speaking immigrant? No big. Don’t need an award for fake news anyway.
4. Speaking of German-speaking immigrants, we could also take or leave the atomic bomb, to be honest.
5. And blue jeans.
6. Definitely wouldn’t be too tragic to lose the entire English-language filmography of Antonio Banderas.
7. Or “That 70s Show,” “Family Guy,” and all those weirdly sensual Jim Beam commercials.
8. And we could easily do with out all 137 Terminator movies — and eight years of oversight for our largest state economy — too.
9. “God Bless America” is really an overrated song that we don’t need.
10. Come to think of it, so is “Jump.”
11. And Budweiser beer isn’t iconically American at all (regardless of how it tastes).
12. A combined 3,060 singles, doubles, triples, and home runs over 16 years playing America’s pastime? Take it or leave it.
13. The most devastating cut-fastball in the Major League history? That stays in Panama, and really, who cares?
14. No one, that’s who. Nor should anyone care about 608 gloriously struck home runs.
15. Come to think of it, the accomplishments of, like, 30% of all baseball players and the countless hours of bonding opportunities for parents and kids from Pacific Northwest to Miami they provide are just not that essential, honestly.
16. Nor is this suspiciously low-effort dunk.
17. Nor, really, are lettuce, tomatoes, oranges, garlic, apples, lemons, cherries, corn, peaches, broccoli, plums, Swiss chard, watermelons, scallions, cranberries, parsley, and nectarines essential to our lives.
18. Or railroads that carry freight and Amish people across the country.
19. Or pastrami sandwiches.
20. Or chicken parmesan.
21. Or P.F. Chang’s … and much of modern Chinese cuisine.
22. Or nearly a quarter of the soldiers who fought to end slavery and establish the modern United States.
23. Or the military strategy that helped us win our independence in the first place.
As the Founders said 261 years ago on that fateful July day in Independence Hall: “Meh, being British wouldn’t be so bad!”
Non-native English speakers have been propping up, improving, and straight-up saving this country since (actual) day one.
The language you speak when you land in a new country doesn’t predict how valuable an American you can be, and never did.
Immigrants, whether they can recite “The Wanderings of Oisin” from memory or can’t read a children’s book, are the lifeblood of this country.
Instead of slamming the door in their face, we should be thanking them for what they gave us.